WARREN TOWERS—Freshman Jake Cote (CAS18’), an on-campus resident at Boston University, reported that as of recent his upstairs neighbor was having a lot less sex than usual.

“You can hear it most days, sometimes a couple times a day on weekends, and for some reason at 2:30pm on Wednesdays” said Jake. “It happened so much, I was actually starting to get used to it. Without the creaking of the bed I feel like it’s too quiet around here.”

According to sources close with Cote, the usual rhythmic thumping, occasionally accompanied by grunting and screaming, has been completely halted this past week.

“We were considering making a band, but we were a little discouraged when we realized that we didn’t know anyone who could drum,” said Bella Winthrope (SMG 18’), “but then one night I was hanging out with Jake, and we thought, hey, maybe this guy could be our drummer! He’s got great rhythm, and you can always hear him loud and clear from Jake’s room anyways.”

Experts are investigating the potential causes for the recent lack of sex-related noise. Leading theories include recent breakup, bad haircut, sudden-onset ED, and venereal disease. Cote and his floor mates worry that this may be more than just a simple dry spell, but something more serious.

“I’m actually starting to worry,” reports Darien Sanchez (SAR ’18), Jake’s roommate. Just in case, maybe I should drop off a fruit basket or something.”

“Oh, I’ve never actually met him. I think I’ve heard the name ‘Kyle’ before but you really cant be sure. There’s a lot of noise going on, sometimes even animal sounds,” explains Cote, “either way, I kind of feel bad for him. On the plus side, I’ve been a lot more productive this week with all the silence.”

At press time, the neighbor was still having problems with… Wait, hold on… Do you hear that? Oh yeah that’s definitely sex. Phew, about time.

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