WEST CAMPUS – A group of students have announced this afternoon that they are officially refusing to make a difference on Monday, reports have confirmed.

“Make a Difference Monday is pointless,” complained Rob Anderson (SMG ‘16) during a Q & A sponsored by Raising Cane’s. “Why should I care about local farmers or carbon footprints? My feet are made of skin and bone, not carbon. These hippies need to get their facts straight.“

“Make a Difference Monday is stripping me of my ability to make adult decisions,” said Tom Zappula (COM ’17) while ordering a Domino’s pizza. In protest of the dining hall’s initiative to showcase healthy recipes with local ingredients, Zappula will be making absolutely no healthy choices on Mondays.

“Screw the dining hall!” he repeated, after quickly drinking a can of Pepsi and burping. “It’s so rude of them to take away my options like they are,” he added, referring to the dozens of healthy choices offered on Mondays at the dining hall. “I’m going to take my patronage somewhere that respects my ability to make good choices for myself.”

At press time, Anderson and Zappula were seen each buying five boxes of Insomnia Cookies.

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