ASHFORD STREET–In a joint email on Thursday, Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore and that guy you don’t remember adding on Snapchat, Chadwick Bradley (CAS ‘21), announced that a green quarantine status badge would be required to enter any giant Allston party starting this weekend.
The measure is part of a renewed focus on safety that’s coming to Allston, along with painting directional markers on the floor that lead to the bathroom for people too drunk to remember where it is, and cleaning joints with alcohol wipes before they’re passed around.
“This extra precaution allows you to take comfort in the knowledge that the delicious weed brownies and gummies you brought will only be enjoyed by people with fully functioning senses of smell and taste,” the email reads. “And you can rest assured that the drunk sorority girl vomiting all over your face has not been experiencing any COVID symptoms. Or, at least she says she hasn’t.”
“I look forward to seeing all of you in Allston this weekend, with a mask completely covering your chin,” Bradley told a Bunion reporter, standing in front of a window of empty bottles spelling out THANK YOU ESSENTIAL DEALERS. “I’ll not only be asking who you know, but staring into your soul like a Warren security guard waiting for you to open Patient Connect.”
At press time, partygoers were seen fortifying their immune systems by drinking body shots of hydroxychloroquine.