ALLSTON—Four members of a Boston University fraternity spend three nights in jail and face a court hearing for doing something that literally hundreds of thousands of University students across both the United States and the rest of the world do every weekend, sources close to the Boston Police have reported today.
The Boston University fraternity Zeta Beta Tau will remain suspended pending a joint investigation by both The Boston University Interfraternity Council and the Office of Judicial Affairs. The investigation plans to investigate whether or not the fraternity, whose members were jailed for hosting a party, hosted a party.
“We are absolutely shocked that these four students would throw a party,“ said a statement released by the Council, realizing that millions of college students host parties all the time both at BU and world wide. “It is of the upmost importance that we conduct a thorough, costly, unnecessary investigation.”
The council stressed that the costs of the investigation would be funded at the direct expense of students.
“This jailing came in response to a ‘disorderly house’,” stressed BU Law Professor and legal expert Kenneth W. Simons. “This is a crime that is so horrendous that four students absolutely deserve to serve jail time for it,”
“The majority of students in the United States are guilty of committing messy house crimes,” Simons also added. “When reflected upon, anyone can agree that this is a good reason for sentencing someone to jail time.”
“We don’t see this as an irresponsible overreaction by the authorities to the very common event of student’s partying,” said Boston Police chief William Gross, “but instead as a rational approach to handling a city populated with a majority of college students.”
“This is just standard procedure,” he added.
“People may say that we are overacting to a couple of college kids throwing a party, which occurs in all college towns across the country every weekend,” said Gross. “Others may argue that in a city like Boston with over 50 upper-education institutions, you would expect there to be a lot of parties and reasonable, appropriate responses for handling them. But we simply cannot allow these troublemakers to get away with actions that they get away with literally every weekend in this city.”
Dean of Student Life Kenneth Elmore also expressed his shock and disappointment in activities that happen every weekend at his University, in his neighborhood, and even all over the world, committed by both BU students he’s never met and all of the ones he knows well and regards favorably.
“We understand that there was both marijuana use and underage drinking at this alleged party, and neither of those is acceptable,” declared Elmore, admonishing two recreational behaviors that never don’t occur at his University. “It’s time to send a message that we will not tolerate these activities that we tolerate all the time.”
“Some people may argue it’s senseless and irrational to excessively punish a few students for doing this,“ added Elmore. “They might also point out that if were to jail everyone who hosted parties, we would jail a majority of college students in the world.”
“But they are clearly mistaken” added Elmore.
At press time, 8,000 BU students were being taken into custody for walking down Comm Ave.