Photoshopped by Karen Martinez (COM '22)
Chase Madden (QST '20)

Chase studies finance at Questrom and undoubtedly would be placed in Slytherin because of it.

BOSTON UNIVERSITY POLICE STATION—A shocking event has occurred today, one that will be etched in Boston University history forever. The sweet and innocent BU we knew for unnecessarily high tuition and lackluster school spirit is forever gone.

This Thursday, a student was found wearing fake Gucci sneakers, an appalling discovery brought to light by an anonymous tip from a fellow student (name and class withheld for their own protection). Immediately after the information came in, an investigation was opened by the BUPD.

Chief Jonathan Barron explained how he and his staff acted upon hearing of the possibility of such a heinous crime being committed:

“Obviously we were disgusted to hear of such evil possibly happening under our noses, so we dropped our current investigation of BU being a hotspot for meth labs and human trafficking and went ahead and put all our resources into this—and boy was it worth it.”

The student (name and class withheld for their own protection) was apprehended in Warren Towers in a joint operation with the Boston Police Department’s SWAT team and the local FBI field office.

One student, Sarah Rooney (CAS ’20), who knew the psychotic wackjob said, “I feel like I never even knew him. He makes Ted Bundy look like Mr. Rogers.”

David Carson (QST ‘21), another student who knew the vile son of a bitch, shared his thoughts saying:

“I sat right next to a man who wore a shoe that was reasonably priced. He just wasn’t well in the head.”

As of today, the accused student is being held under intense supervision by armed guards. His punishment is still to be determined. At first, there was an outcry from the student body for the accused to be stoned to death, but was deemed too demanding on BU’s facility maintenance as they stated, “it would be too messy to clean up.”

Barron of the BU police department asked a few things out of students:

“Please only wear shoes that are within your social class. If you are not able to afford Gucci sneakers please just wear Adidas like the rest of the people.”

At the moment, the sentencing could be an exile from the university, being forced to wear Sketchers until graduation, or having to spend 5 minutes in the same room as President Brown every other Tuesday.

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