BU BEACH–Snowmen have become increasingly popular during the winter months of the pandemic, and a few by BU Beach have become more “realistic.” They are likely linked to a recent study showing that horniness levels are at an all time high at BU. 

One of the most popular snowmen is particularly alarming. Created by Shea Donovan (CFA 22’), it stands at 6’3’’ with a beautifully striking jaw and abs that men can only dream of. A photo of Zac Efron’s face has been superglued to the top ball, and a large carrot is seen protruding out of a place where carrots typically don’t lie.

As a result, there has been an outbreak of chlamydia around campus, flooding the rooms of SHS with sickly students. This new strain has been coined “carrotmydia” by those who have contracted it by way of rotted carrots.

Zac Efron’s face is not alone. Dozens of these snowmen and snowwomen have been constructed on the beach by lonely souls. Some have unnatural features while others resemble students right here at Boston University. For many students, it’s been just what they needed.

“It’s been GREAT for my mental health,” said Juliet Holtend (CAS 23’). “I finally have a reason to delete my Tinder. I finally have a reason to stop crying about Johnathan at 2 AM every night.”

On some days, you can see small lines of students forming next to each snowperson, waiting for quality time with their special someone. 

“I finally found someone who won’t leave me,” said Rory Stang (QST 23’) when asked about the snowwomen he was standing in line for. “She told me she’ll be with me until the day one of us dies or melts.”

Boston University’s image has been damaged as a result of this excessive PDA and decided that action was necessary. Last Wednesday they attempted to bulldoze the snow people to eliminate the problem, but word got out.

A protest of approximately 135 students formed, linking arms to protect their beloved creations. It was clear from the standoff that they were willing to risk their lives for the snow, and the BU workers were forced to back down. 

For now, it appears the students have won, but BU has not yet waved the white flag. President Brown has stated this is his top priority and that he won’t rest until every single snow person has been destroyed. 

At press time, an anonymous snow person commented on the situation: “existence is agony.”

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