ALLSTON—Recent reports claim that Boston University undergraduate students have been crawling westward to Allston with the motivation to fulfill their Manifest Destiny.
“It became all so clear to us that it was the natural order of things, for us to continue west ward to party,” said Julie Preston (ENG ’18), “and then the Gold Rush of 1019 happened, and we had no choice but to fulfill our manifest destiny and do the Allston Crawl.”
Sources have confirmed that the “Gold Rush of 1019” was in reference to a pregame at which everyone only drank Bacardi Gold.
“There are things to be found out west, such as wild parties, hot babes, and my iPhone. I lost my iPhone at the last party I was at. Or it got stolen. Either way if you see an iPhone 6, it was mine,” said John Brink (COM’19).
Whole families were flocking westward, men, women and children, with the intention of fully expanding Boston University to all that it can be, no matter how much they might be gentrifying Allston.
In their quest, some thought the travel was too long. Some pledges of Kappa Sigma reportedly called Ubers, but the notification read, “Your horse drawn buggie is arriving now.“
At Press Time, it was 2AM and everyone in Allston was so drunk that they couldn’t figure out which way was west, but they did know which way T Anthony’s was.