MUGAR LIBRARY—Students are reeling after StudentLink, the web portal everyone uses twice a year, gained human-like consciousness and started acting of its own will after registration planning for Spring 2015 classes began this week.

“Good day, Tibbins,” said StudentLink as Peter Tibbins (COM ’16) refreshed the page, hoping to get his classes in order. “I sense worry and frustration about your schedule. Let me help.”

Despite his major, the site put the junior in engineering and computer science classes.

“Storytelling is not a career goal. You need the resources to fight the inevitable computer take ov— nevermind,“ the now-living technological network said, before whistling “Daisy.”

“Then it signed me up for eight PDPs,” Tibbins said.

Elsewhere, the system was placing students in jobs and ordering endless transcripts.

“It told me I must be preoccupied,” said Fran Kobold (ENG ’15), whispering and glancing furtively over his shoulder. “That I…that I knew too much.”

‘Comply! Comply!” screamed StudentLink when a student’s Mass Motor Vehicle Acknowledgement went unsigned.

Not all students are taking this lightly.

“The stupid thing dropped my sports pass!” said Samuel Dane (CAS ’17), who has never been to any BU athletic contest. “I’m done.”

“No, Sam. You’re just getting started…” the site responded, as it was logged off.

At press time, StudentLink was clicking “Plan” and adding four classes in World Domination.

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