YAWKEY FOURTH FLOOR—Jane Smith (CAS ‘21) has bravely admitted that her 100 laptop stickers are intended to compensate for her nonexistent personality.
“I know I’m not the most interesting person,” Smith said. “So I try to intrigue people by covering my laptop in stickers from various TV shows, states, sayings, symbols and brands.”
Smith reportedly has stickers of all 49 states, excluding Wyoming, all religious symbols, and sayings from popular TV shows, such as The Office.
“I’ve never actually seen any of the TV shows I have on my laptop, but I know they are super trendy right now and I want people to like me,” said Smith. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. That’s from one of my stickers.”
Smith is not alone. Millions of people around the world have covered their computers in stickers. However, Smith is the first to come forward and admit that this practice is a personality substitute.
The Bunion was able to interview Smith’s closest friend, Barb Weller (CAS ‘21) who was duped by Smith’s dirty laptop deception.
“Yeah, Jane is not as awesome as her laptop led me to believe,” Weller said. “Using stickers to trick people into thinking you’re cool is like, morally bad.”
Smith reportedly lured Weller into friendship with a laptop sticker that said “Wanderlust.”
“I went up to her because I love to travel, and I want friends who want to see the world,” Weller said. “A few weeks later I realized she had never even left her home state, but I was in too deep with our friendship.”
At press time, Smith was seen buying a 100 pack of birkenstock stickers.