BOSTON DMV—After graduating Boston University, Jane Bradshaw (CAS ‘18) celebrated by finally getting her driver’s license. However, after failing to bring her passport to the DMV, she learned she was now banned from ever receiving a license.

“Damn. I had, like, three out of four documents. I should get partial credit or something,” said Bradshaw, sitting dejectedly on the curb.

This wasn’t the first time Bradshaw had encountered a situation that was unexpectedly pass/fail. After missing her bus to work, Bradshaw learned she was now banned from all public transportation for the rest of eternity.

“People like Bradshaw only get one shot, and that’s not our problem,” said a spokesperson from the Department of Transportation. “She didn’t even receive a syllabus, what was she expecting?”

“I wish someone had made that clear before I came out here,” Bradshaw said. “All my professors used tell us at the beginning of the course. Then I went out into the real world, forgot one weekend to return my boyfriend’s call, and he dumped me. What am I supposed to do for Valentine’s Day? What if I can’t celebrate Valentine’s this year? Does that mean I can never celebrate Valentine’s ever again?”

At press time, Bradshaw still does not have any plans for Valentine’s Day, and is currently waiting to see if anyone will take her out somewhere. Seriously, she’s just kinda sitting in our office right now.

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