WARREN TOWERS—Last Spring, Riley Childers (CFA ‘21) received a care package from his mother as a congratulations gift for finishing his first year at college.

Seven months later, and a whole Summer in storage, the care package is still going strong.

When he finally discovered it, the chocolate eggs had melted, but Childers licked the sides of the plastic bag.

Childers, a chemistry major with 0 prospects, understood the risks, but ate anyway.

“Look, I’m not doing well. I ran out of meal swipes. This care package is basically a meal plan for me.”

Childers also discovered that he can eat tissues from the pack she received.

“At first I was trying to save them,” he noted, “but then I realized they were really filling when I was short on time.”

Kelly May (CFA ’21) said she was concerned about Childers’ mental well being.

“He is becoming obsessed with the care package,” she said. “He’s like Spongebob when he’s only friends with Penny, Chip, and Used Napkin.”

SHS has likewise been monitoring Childers’ wellbeing. Dr. Robert Frosting spoke with us over the phone.

“Mr. Childers’ case is extremely concerning. He is actually mutating his body’s anatomy through his diet. His body has been trained to pull nutrients from single M&M’s. We’re concerned that at this point, an actual meal would physically cause his heart to stop.”

At press time, Childers had started chowing down on his second stick of deodorant, pouring himself a glass of Tide detergent as he chewed.

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