CAS—Boston University student Kyle Washburn (CAS ‘18) reported that he was tired of feeling mildly racist whenever his teaching assistant, Edward M’Bokah D’Antonio Lunqvist-Chang (CAS ‘09), tried yet again to articulate his point on economic downturns in late ‘70s New York with an overwhelmingly thick accent.

“I mean, it’s a fact that nobody can understand what he’s saying,” Washburn said as Lunqvist–Chang paused in his lecture and smiled in yet another  attempt to reestablish some universal method of communication. “But nobody wants to point it out, because they’d seem like total assholes.”

“And it’s not like I can complain to the professor about somthing like that,” Washburn continued. “I swear, I’m not a racist. I just think that when you’re teaching a class, you should be able to speak proper English no matter what backgr– oh my god, I think I am racist.”

Lunqvist-Chang released a statement to the press, but its transcription was delayed for two hours due to required intervention from extremely embarrassed translators.

“I condemn the university and student body for fiqpwefnasdiojasd about my ethnic background,” Lundqvist-Chang said, appearing to gargle mid-sentence but pressing on calmly. “There is no reason to 30913248r7dfasf879 any more than BWORJ$$$$#####.”

“Good day,” he concluded, wiping his mouth with a napkin and returning to his lecture.

At press time, Bunion staff members were high-fiving each other after finishing an article about being racist without doing anything racist themselves and boy, those Jews just run Hollywood, don’t they?

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