COM—After returning to class and making a few feeble attempts to maintain his innocence, Dave Fillmore (COM ’17) has come to terms with the fact that every single person in his Advertising class knows he just spent 20 minutes pooping in the bathroom down the hall.
“I’ve accepted it,” said Fillmore, sighing as he checked his shoes for toilet paper. “I can just tell by the way everyone’s looking at me that the jig is up.”
According to sources, Fillmore spent several minutes fidgeting in his seat before getting up to leave class, but it wasn’t until his absence began to impact his grades that people suspected he wasn’t simply making a trip to the water fountain.
“He missed an entire 25-question pop quiz,” said a stunned Mark Stull (COM ’17). “At that point, there was really only one explanation for what he was doing.”
Fellow classmate Rachel Murray (COM ’16) also realized something was up.
“Dave was my partner for our ad campaign project,” Murray explained. “But because he was gone for so long, I had to present the entire assignment myself.”
“Our whole PowerPoint was on his flash drive, so, yeah. It sucked,“ she continued.
Despite realizing he missed so much, Fillmore defended his actions.
“I was aware there could be a quiz and I knew we had to present our ad campaign projects at some point during class, but I also knew the Chipotle I ate for lunch wasn’t going to wait around for all that to happen,” he reasoned. “Sometimes a man just has to make a decision.”
According to several witnesses, when he returned to the classroom, Fillmore made painfully long eye contact with his professor, who paused her lecture in disbelief that he was just arriving back. Dave then tried to play things cool with his fellow students but wound up failing miserably.
“When he first sat down he awkwardly laughed and said ‘family emergency,’ as if I was gonna believe that,” said Emily O’Brien (CAS ’16). “It’s like dude, no one’s seen you in almost a half hour and you smell like a farm animal. We know what you did.”
“I really thought people were gonna bite on the ‘family emergency’ line,” admitted Fillmore, who mysteriously achieved a new high score on Candy Crush during his extended absence. “No one ever calls that bluff. I guess I was just really, really obvious.”
“Also, I forgot to wash my hands,” he added.
At press time, Dave was devouring a pair of Big Macs and chugging an iced coffee just minutes before his British Literature class.