Photoshopped by Emmie Phillips (COM '22)

WARREN TOWERS—Freshman Peen McClean (SAR ‘22) has been an avid porn viewer since puberty struck him like a late BU bus at the ripe age of thirteen. However, as he carried his porn addiction with him to Boston University, he forgot to go incognito on BU (802.1x).

After this grave mistake, McClean noticed his computer was lagging and that whenever he watched any video with pornographic content his computer wouldn’t respond to his inputs and would instead glitch out and pause, fast-forward, and rewind at will. Fearing he had contracted some sort of virus, McClean took his computer to BUIT. When assessing the problem, IT, in between snickers and sneers, diagnosed the device with a viral case of “e-herpes.”

“When they told me I contracted a virus from a porn website, I was shocked and embarrassed. I mean, I used virus protection and I’ve always trusted my computer,” said McClean. “I even got e-STD tested last year and found nothing. I can’t believe the one time I don’t use protection, I get my life ruined.”

However upon downloading and installing a new antivirus from the BUIT website, McClean realized that the glitches on his computer only got worse. Not only was the pornography glitching out like before but now, every few minutes, the webpage would refresh and show a new video. On top of that, McClean began receiving cryptic emails from a user by the name of ‘M4x0rPr0NzT3RR13RZ’.

“This guy keeps emailing me with messages like ‘search petite terrierz next time lol’ and ‘yo fam ive got the full sauce for that one’ only whenever I’m on porn sites,” said McClean. “I’m honestly paranoid! It feels like somebody out there knows when exactly I’m watching porn…”

The Bunion
reached out to the BUIT Help Center to find out why the problem in McClean’s computer only got worse and got no concrete response. Instead the desk worker handed us a list of 6 digit numbers and said “you know what these are for, you filthy weeb.”

We for realsies have no idea what these numbers are for.

At press time, McClean has gone back to BUIT to figure out the problem with his computer. BUIT workers are on a first name basis with him, despite this only being McClean’s second visit to the IT Help Center.

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