Lauren Kelmar (COM '21)

Lauren is a sophomore from Palo Alto, CA studying Journalism.

ALLSTON—The night started off like any other for the Lambda Sigma Delta fraternity brothers, but Aelfred Buckminster (CAS ‘19) had other plans in mind for his night visiting the fraternity house.

Once entering the basement, Buckminster approached the bar and was offered a beer by pledge Jack Jackson (QST ‘22).

“Nay,” Buckminster said. “May thou cometh with me?”

“Look man, I’m kinda busy right now and can’t help you get a girl,” Jackson replied.

“Nay! Nay! My father hath died, I needeth help,” Buckminster said.

When Jackson refused to help him, Buckminster went to find someone who could help. He approached Nathan Rollson (QST ‘21).

“Helloeth, me father was murderedeth by a female in a red-eth cape,” Buckminster said. “Helpeth me find her.”

When Rollson took out his iPhone in an attempt to call the police, Buckminster slapped it away.

“What isth that blacketh square? What isth a police? Helpeth me find the female that axed my father head,” Buckminster said.

Buckminster left Rollson to find someone else. He stumbled upon Maggie Larson (COM ‘19), a drunk sorority girl who was horrified by Buckminster’s overalls and boots.

“Helpethh meee! I need to take revenge on female whoth murderedeth my father and forcedth fed him maggots,” Buckminster said.

“Ew, maggots!” Larson said. “Call the exterminator!”

“Nayth! Extermin- what isth?” Buckminster said. “We needeth to find woman, my fatherth was killed and droppeth in hole!”

When Larson walked away and Buckminster was left alone again, he walked up the stairs out of the fraternity basement.

Stunned at the advanced microwave technology in the kitchen Buckminster ran out screaming. He then went next door to a different fraternity house to see if someone there could help him.

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