By: Serena Ata
The Student Link has long been the hub for all of our academic needs. And yet, despite its innovative folder design and state-of-the-art class registration platform, many students have observed that something seems to be “missing” from the site: a deficiency that not even its tasteful color scheme can mask.
Much to the dismay of desperate underclassmen, the StudentLink fails to do exactly what its name advertises: link students. It’s a contradiction that begs an immediate solution.
Enter: the Sneaky Link.
As outlined in their mission statement, the platform caters to students with “crippling commitment issues” and “raging hormonal imbalances.” Drawing inspiration from its predecessor, the Sneaky Link organizes features into folders, reinventing many of the Student Link’s listings—including longstanding student favorite, “Quickie Jobs.” And the similarities don’t stop there.
To learn more about the new platform, we interviewed creator and alumnus Jeve Stobs in his mother’s basement, which doubles as Link HQ (Stobs declined to comment on his location choice). He took the liberty of walking us through the Sneaky Link’s setup, from Duo two-factor authentication to shareable hookup schedules.
When asked why Duo was implemented, Stobs repeated our question in a mocking cadence and proceeded to blow a raspberry at our team. His mother (who had been hovering “in case Jevie needs his mommy”) then intervened, easing his agitation by scratching the tufts of hair growing sporadically on his chin while singing under her breath. Once calm, Stobs informed us that Duo is meant to provide “maximum security” against “feline-fishes.”
After getting an inside look at the Sneaky Link’s operations, we took to Commonwealth Avenue in hopes of gathering some hot takes. While most students rushed past us on their way to class, one freshman (Jenna Jenkins, CAS ‘25) flagged us down, squealing “I love sneaky links!” Upon making sure that she actually knew the platform itself, we asked her to take us through her Sneaky Link experience. “It’s everything I could’ve dreamed of and more,” she began. “And it really stays true to its name—like, it has restrictions to make sure you don’t get into anything too serious. You can’t reach out to the same person more than once, so it almost guarantees that you keep things on the down-low.” She paused for a minute, seemingly lost in thought. “My only complaint is that the Planned Parenthood ads are kinda getting out of hand.”
You heard it here first: with the Sneaky Link, students should look no further in their pursuit of increased body counts and increasingly unstable love lives.