BANK OF AMERICA—At 1:47PM yesterday, sources report that BU freshman Brock Lee (SHA ‘22), flattered by the Warren ATM’s “have a good day” message at the end of his transaction, was hoping that the ATM had a good day too.
“It was a really nice gesture,” explained Lee in an exclusive one-on-one interview with The Bunion. “It’s not everyday that The Machines™ take the time to care about us lowfolk, so I was overcome with joy when the Warren ATM told me to have a good day. I’m really glad she cares about me.”
Bank of America’s new ATMs, which are part of a new initiative called “Beyond Human,” has completely revolutionized the corporation’s public image, even driving it’s stock value up 5000%. “When Bank of America took my family’s house in 2008, I was devastated, but that good day message really cheered me up,” remarked Guss Toemmer (CAS ‘20), a Bank of America regular.
Experts speculate that these affectionate ATMs mark the beginning of a larger trend of positive human-machine relations. In an email to The Bunion, philosophy professor Donald “Don” Key postulated, “Now that machines and humans are wishing good days unto each other, who knows what’s going to happen next? They could be wishing good weeks, good months, even good decades! Imagine that, a machine who wants you to have an amazing rest of your life! It’s really hard to wrap your mind around it.”
However, Lee insists that his moment with the Warren ATM, who he calls Sally, was not just some statistic for philosophers to contemplate. “I know people want to make this out to be some big step toward a technological utopia, but the interaction I had with Sally was different. When she gazed into my eyes with those big touchscreen buttons, I knew we were something special. I felt a real spark, and it wasn’t just because I yanked her plug from the wall. She loves me, okay? You can’t try to tell me she says ‘Have a good day’ to everyone!” Lee then smashed our interviewer’s audio recorder, so The Bunion was unable to transcribe the remainder of the interview.
At press time, a Warren Dining waffle maker told a student to fuck off.