GSU BASEMENT—BU’s Student Government, which strives to make students into future leaders by using the democratic structure of the US government as a model, has chosen to follow the lead of their source material by shutting down all activity this morning, sources confirmed earlier.
“Much like the real government, we also couldn’t come to a decision on our annual budget, which coincidentally also had a deadline yesterday,” said VP of Finance Sarah Ellison (SMG ‘15). “’[Speaker of the House] Frank wanted to spend all of our money this semester on balloons, but I still believe that it’s more prudent to spend half on balloons and half on streamers.”
With Student Government operations screeching to a sudden halt today, many mainstays of BU campus life will also become noticeably absent, including the campus’s economy of promotional frisbees, unnecessary name tags, polo shirts, Perrier sparkling water, and minimally attended student events with gratuitous amounts of free food.
“The 10:1 pizza-to-student ratio is something we’ve always been proud of at our many campus events,” said Social Affairs Cabinet Member Gretchen Hoyt (COM ’16) as she cleaned out her desk.
“Now that we’re closing up shop you’ll have to look elsewhere for your free pizza fix,” she added, referring to every other event on campus.
Although the Student Government doesn’t accomplish anything of substantial merit that improves the life of BU students, members of the community are concerned by news of its closure. “But how are the members of Student Government going to maintain their sense of superiority without being on Student Government?” Asked Tim Mercer (ENG ’16).
“It’s our job to prepare the members of Student Government for the responsibilities of a more important real-world governmental system,” said Dean Elmore. “Sometimes those responsibilities include ignoring those responsibilities.”
With the shutdown, all non-essential members of Student Government are ceasing their duties until further notice. However, the Student Government office will continue be occupied by all essential members.
At press time, the Student Government office was empty.