WEST CAMPUS—Following a one-night stand in which a girl only remembered as “Katie” wound up sleeping at his place, Mark Stevens (COM ’15) reportedly couldn’t stop farting for nearly a full hour.
“It was miserable,” a visibly distraught Stevens said, pulling his shirt over his nose to avoid gagging as he sprayed his bedroom with Febreeze. “I figured Katie would’ve been gone when I woke up this morning, but instead she wanted to stay and cuddle under the covers.“
Stevens admitted that as time dragged on he became so bloated he feared his stomach would burst.
“Eventually, I had to let a couple go – but I couldn’t for what seemed like days.”
According to a recent survey conducted by Student Health Services, Stevens’ symptoms are not uncommon. In recent months, thousands of male students have reported extreme gassiness and bloating following one night stands, causing some to refrain from having sex altogether.
“Sure sex is good and all but what’s more important?” asked Curt Revere (CAS ’16). “Getting laid, or relieving what would be hours and hours of abdominal discomfort?”
According to Stevens, at one point he entered an adjoining bathroom to try to pass gas a little, but the risk of being heard was too high.
“I tried to run the sink and flush the toilet to cover the noise,” explained Stevens. “I even planned on coughing a little, but it was no use. I just had to pinch my cheeks together and head back out there.”
In Stevens’ case, despite efforts to keep everything “in-house,” he admitted that some gas did slip out, and in not-so-silent fashion.
“Have you ever tried to spray whipped cream on something but only a little air squeaks out? It sounded like that,” Stevens reasoned, patting himself on the back for making such an obscure reference.
Despite being extremely stressed throughout the situation, Stevens was reportedly even more amazed that Katie didn’t have to “let one rip” the entire time.
“We drank Natty Light and Burnett’s for like, six straight hours last night,” recalled Stevens, scanning Wiki Answers for anything with the title ‘Do girls fart?’ “Like really, she’s human too, right?”
At press time, Stevens was popping an entire box of Pepto Bismol in preparation for another party tonight.