GEORGE SHERMAN UNION—Sources reported today that Boston University freshman Craig Westlow (CAS ’17) bankrupted his family after discovering the ability to purchase convenience points.
“I guess it kind of just got away from me,“ said the billionaire-playboy whose family now has nothing. “I kept running out and just adding more and more of ‘em. I love my new found wealth.”
“Generally, the system places a maximum on the amount of convenience points a student can purchase. There seems to be a glitch in the system, as this student was able to buy $1,789,493 worth of them”, said Jack Weldon, associate Dean of Students, referring to the circumstances in which Westlow spent money like he was Marie Antoinette at Versailles with the entire late 18th-century French treasury at his disposal.
The staggering transaction size has baffled local economists and accountants who are struggling to determine how Westlow’s expenditures came to resemble those of a medium-sized business.
“Did he buy a yacht? Or maybe an exotic Komodo dragon? Is there a Komodo dragon place on BU’s campus?“ Wondered economics professor Richard Dowd.
“He’s always buying food for me at the GSU as if it’s some huge favor. It’s like he thinks he’s some sort of generous God, or something,” reports Emily McKinzie (CAS ’17), friend of the deep-pocketed philanthropist.
Sources indicate that Westlow’s family, who no longer have a single cent to their name, was bewildered as they were evicted from their home and repo-men began seizing their personal belongings.
“But we gave Craig plenty of money every month,” stammered Craig’s mother, her voice wavering as she watched her younger daughters shiver bare-foot in the streets. “Was he not getting fed well enough?” She asked through tears, while the life she and her husband built together for their family was carted away.
“Sometimes, I don’t want to use real money to buy a sandwich from Subway, y’know?“ Said the lavishly spending prince, unable to comprehend that convenience points are not mere Monopoly money.
“My parents are on hard times? How many convenience points will pay off their mortgage and keep their home? They can put it on my tab.”
Sources close to the matter indicate, that while in line at the GSU, the apparent heir to the Rockefeller fortune realized he was out of convenience points.
At press time, the presumed Swiss financier claims he will buy “just twenty-five dollars more”, so he can still get Basho sushi.