METCALF—Yesterday, a student-led council created to evaluate the term “hooking up” convened as college students around the country held their breath awaiting the decision.
The meeting was planned with urgency on short notice, only a week after the initial formation of the council known as the Society of Students for the Clarification of Ambiguous Societal Labels (KILACHAND).
“The acronym doesn’t even come close to fitting,” founder Martin Avery (ENG ‘13) explained. “But Kilachand promised to give us pizza if we named it after him, and I’m only on the 9+ plan so who was I to say no?”
“I just can’t believe it took us this long to do it,” said Sarah Carmen (CAS ’16). “Last year, two of my best friends told me that they ‘hooked-up’ and I’ve been dying to know what they meant ever since. Was it a kiss? Holding hands? Did it go further? It’s way too late to have any significance, but I’m just curious, you know?”
The KILACHAND meeting, which took place in Metcalf ballroom, lasted over an hour until dark smoke suddenly emerged from the GSU roof.
“At first we thought, ‘Cool, this is like like how they pick the pope,’” explained witness Tyler Ray (COM ’17). “Then the fire alarms went off and the council came running out the building.”
The BU Pyrotechnics club has claimed responsibility for the incident and repeatedly told reporters that it was not in malice, but that they too wanted to hear the council’s findings as much as everyone else. “We were planning a fireworks show to celebrate the decision, but someone hooked up the machine a bit too early.”
The Boston Fire Department arrived on the scene and cleared the building for re-entry in ten minutes.
“Ten minutes definitely isn’t enough time to make sure a building is secure,” said Nathan Bennett of the BFD. “But the chief bet us we couldn’t do it that quickly, and he lost, so now he has to hook up with the firehouse dog.”
Witnesses say that the council re-entered the building shortly thereafter and left sometime later that evening without yet coming to an agreement. At press time, KILACHAND has assured the public that though they are still at an impasse, they will meet again tomorrow and inform us when a decision has been made.
“I just want to get this decision done with so I can get back to my social life,” said council member Stephen Abrams (COM ’13). “I haven’t hooked up with anyone in six months, no matter how you define ‘hooking up.’”