WEST BOSTON—After a hot and sweaty summer followed by a large intake of freshmen this fall, Boston University’s Student Body has been struggling to find itself beautiful again.
“I’ve been feeling so vulnerable lately,” said the entire Student Body, “I didn’t mean to take in all those freshmen. I thought maybe I’d let in two, three thousand at best, but before I knew it I had accepted 3600. Ugh, I feel so bloated.”
The Student Body blames its’ lack of self esteem on the constant objectification by the staff members who constantly refer to it as and ‘Lazy Rich Kids’ and ‘A Generation of Apathy’. lt’s hoping that a change in appearance could finally make it feel beautiful again.
“I used to be really confident. But once I saw other schools and their sleek campuses, I decided to make a change myself,” said the Student Body, while construction workers prepared the COM lawn for reconstructive surgery. “I know it’s a big change, but I’m hoping if I look good on the outside, I’ll finally feel happy on the inside.”
Other parts of the Student Body’s new regimen include reading Eat, Pray, Love, and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.
“It’s hard having all these food trucks swarming campus, and the new Warren dining options. I mean, they could be more sensitive” said the Student Body said while eating several vegan brownies from Bay State. It added, “These are healthy, and you can tell because their gooey. So they don’t count.”
At Press Time, the Student Body was seen posting photos to U.S. World and Reports “Best Colleges in the United States” with the caption “I’m so ugly :’(. Like if you hate me“.