BUICK STREET—Due to a single form that was misplaced and not handed in to the proper office recipient on time, every single upcoming student event has been cancelled by the Student Activities Office, reports have confirmed.

The form, known informally as “FTR On Campus Planning Form 7A” by SAO employees, was misplaced and not properly processed after being submitted as part of an upcoming event request by the Asian Student Union.

“They handed in all of their other paperwork,” said Jeff Herzog (COM ‘14), a student manager at the Student Activities Office. “But we can’t really do anything until we get that form.”

“Even though we know they’re planning an event and we’ve talked to them ten times on the phone and three times in person about it, we’re supposed to pretend that the event doesn’t exist until they’ve handed in all 87 standard event planning forms. That’s just office policy.”

“And we’re supposed to process student groups alphabetically, and we can’t skip,” added Herzog. “And the Asian Student Union is at the top of the list, so we can’t process any of the other event forms for other groups until that other form is processed.”

“It’s just office policy,” he repeated.

Even though the solution to the problem is clear, Herzog says it may already be too late to resolve it. “As I’m sure you know, our other office policy is that all event paperwork needs to be submitted at least five months in advance of the event so we have enough time to process it all, so they need to be quick if they want to re-submit the form.”

“Oh wait, all of these events are happening next week,” added Herzog. “Oh well.”

James Hong (SMG ’15), Secretary of the Asian Student Union, says that the form was definitely handed in on time. “I don’t understand what the big deal is about this form anyway because it’s just a sheet of paper that says the name of the group and the event. When I handed it in, they stamped it fifteen times and put it in an important looking folder. What is that supposed to do? And how did it get lost?”

“You know, I might have wiped my ass with it by accident,” said Herzog, referring to the missing form. “Sometimes I wipe my ass with the forms people give me instead of processing them like I’m paid to do.”

When requesting official comment from the Student Activities Office director John Battaglino, our reporters were asked to submit an Official Public Comment Request Form, which takes between five and fifty days to process.

At press time, we’re still waiting on that form.

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