Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)
Chase Madden (QST '20)

Chase studies finance at Questrom and undoubtedly would be placed in Slytherin because of it.

A recent study has found that Daniel Vettel (ENG ‘21) could have certainly figured out world hunger by now if he stopped talking so much about how he’s a STEM major.

Vettel, a top student among those in the STEM program, has spent the better part of his college career telling others that he’s in STEM rather than actually doing any work.

While it is unclear at the moment if Vettel is just trying to brag about being smart or complaining about the workload, we are certain that he won’t shut the hell up about it.

While Vettel continues to talk about his major, his fellow STEM classmates stall on finding a cure for cancer, if we’re alone in the universe, and the meaning of life.

“Curing cancer is more of a backburner issue for him,” one of Vettel’s friends, Sam Jacobson (ENG ‘21), said. “He’s a little busy.”

Vettel persists that he discovered how to achieve world peace, but hasn’t had the time to relay the information to the White House.

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