AGGANIS ARENA—Sources report that the statue of Harry Agganis in front of Agganis Arena is still waiting for someone to get open for a quick game of catch.

“It’s a lonely life, being a statue. Birds shit on me, my left knee has been itchy for like the last seven years, but worst of all,” said the frustrated statue, “no one wants to toss the pigskin around with me.”

“I know I don’t have much going on, but I’d think that someone would at least humor me. It’s almost been twelve years, and still, not even once has a student expressed the slightest interest in playing catch with me,” added Metal Harry.

This prejudice that Metal Harry has been experiencing is not uncommon in the Boston statue community, let alone the Boston University Campus.

“Anyone ever think maybe I don’t want to ride a horse anymore?” asked the statue of George Washington in the Boston Common, “It’s the twenty first century, give me something cool like a Harley. I am George Washington, God damnit. I invented America. I deserve a motorcycle.”

In a recent email announcing a committee to promote on campus diversity, the interests of on-campus statues were yet again ignored and it still remains unclear what Boston University will do to improve the quality of life for on-campus statues.

At press time, the metal thing that looks vaguely like a wrench and an oval on the BU Beach refused to comment on the plight of her people.

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