QUESTROM SCHOOL OF BUSINESS—Each year on Saint Patrick’s Day, people around the world celebrate one of St. Patrick’s greatest contributions to Ireland: driving all the snakes out of the country after they attacked him during a 40 day fast. While this accomplishment was satisfactory for the time, it was clear in 2019 that St. Patrick’s work was not done.

“I originally came to Boston, specifically BU, this year because I’ve always heard great things about their celebrations” said St. Patrick, explaining that “it’s always fun to go to a party where you are literally the theme.”

When St. Patrick was strolling past the Hariri Building, however, the Questrom snakes attacked him with secondhand smoke. He resolved quickly to banish them from BU.

“Honestly, I thought I would never have to deal with a snake again,” said St. Patrick when asked about his experience with the Questrom snakes. “It was quite a shock, though also a great opportunity to relive my glory days.”

St. Patrick banished the snakes by chasing the Canada Goose-clad students with a crucifix until they slithered out of the Questrom building and into the greater Boston area. The snakes were last seen at the Northeastern admissions office, where sources speculate they will try to buy their way into the D’Amore-McKim School of Business.

BU students already honor St. Patrick yearly by having sick ragers on and around the 17th. However now, students will also recognize St. Patrick’s Day as the day Questrom Starbucks was made hospitable to non-business majors, finally able to enter the coffee shop undisturbed by talks of the Dow’s performance or the upcoming round of Goldman Sachs interviews.

At press time, faculty from the BU herpetology lab were seen fleeing campus in fear.

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