Source: BU’s Covid Policies Decided by Coin Toss

An anonymous source has revealed to The Bunion (and not the Daily Free Press!) that BU’s COVID policies over the last year and a half have been decided by coin tosses, rolling dice and similar chance-based decision-making protocols. Dean Kenneth Elmore, President Millions Robert “Milly Bobby” Brown and BU’s Assistant Director of Fucking Around and Finding Out, Chance Luckman (QST ‘26, prospective), allegedly chose to “not make decisions” themselves because it made their “heads hurt less.”

At one point in July 2020, the source says, Dean Elmore was guffawing with glee, spinning a comically large wheel to determine whether each door on campus would be an entrance or an exit. But his merriment turned to shock and confusion when he realized that the needle pointer thingy fell off while he was spinning for the back door to the basement of the GSU. That’s why, the source says, this door was locked partway through the 2020-21 school year, forcing students to crowd the front door.

The administration also utilized their phones’ predictive text features to introduce new rules throughout the year. When President Brown typed, “Dining hall household tables will…,” he allegedly expected something like “feature plastic partitions” or “be cleaned regularly.” Instead, his phone autocompleted “…go bye-bye in the spring.”

Over the summer of 2021, when Brown wanted to decide whether the expensive recording equipment recently installed in classrooms to make LfA possible would be managed by Student Production Services, the IT Help Center or the Quidditch team, his Ouija board instead spelled out “a demolition company,” unfortunately causing the brand-new cameras and microphones to be hammered to pieces in August.

During the height of the national coin shortage, President Brown gave a new meaning to the term “coin toss” when he marched through BU’s buildings tossing pennies to the ground for adoring students. He observed the coins rolling up and down the hallways and painted directional markers following their paths. The source confirmed to the Bunion that students were required to return the pennies to the administration after the ceremony ended, but that many of them were unable to do so when they were trapped for months in classrooms where all the arrows pointed inward.

“They were throwing darts at a map of the campus in September of this year to find places that they could close to prevent large gatherings of students,” barked the disillusioned, surprisingly muscular source, meeting with a Bunion investigative reporter on a nondescript bench near the Alan and Sherry Leventhal Admissions Center. “When a dart hit Agganis, they were so upset about the loss in revenue that canceling hockey games and concerts would bring. It was President Brown who looked closely and announced that the dart had actually hit the testing site in the lobby, prompting a collective sigh of relief and its immediate closure.”

At press time, Dean Elmore was seen swiping through Tinder with his eyes closed to pick which students would be the first in line for booster shots.

Leave a Reply