A lot of people have been getting on my case lately saying I don’t know how to “admit I’m wrong” or “apologize.” So, to appease the haters, I compiled a list of stuff I’m sorry for. 

I’m sorry I’m pretty.

I’m sorry I’m vegan.

I’m sorry I’m skinnier and hotter than you.

I’m sorry I have a good relationship with my father.

I’m sorry I own Juicy Couture underwear.

I’m sorry I committed wire fraud.

I’m sorry I committed tax fraud.

I’m sorry I committed mail fraud. 

I’m sorry I ran over your cat in my ‘rari.

I’m sorry I got a glock in my ‘rari. 

I’m sorry I tried to wax your armpits while you were sleeping.

I’m sorry that when you woke up I knocked you back out with a cast iron skillet. 

I’m sorry that I then used said skillet to try and make a BJ’s pizookie.

I’m sorry I fed you said pizookie and that I laced it with rat poison. 


I’m sorry, okay! Get off my jock now, geez. 

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