Photoshopped by Karen Martinez (COM '22)
Daniel Kool

Daniel Kool is a Freshman from Minnesota studying Journalism. He plays the banjo but hopes you won’t judge him for it.

OFFICE OF ACADEMIC CONDUCT — New precedent was set today when 20-year-old Mark Wolfe (CAS ’21) was acquitted of his citation for underage drinking. The student’s representatives cited his academic standing – officially, a junior by credits – as proof that Wolfe was in fact old enough to legally drink.

In response to controversy regarding the acquittal, the Office of Academic Conduct issued a statement clarifying their position:

“The pursuit of knowledge is, and will remain, the University’s top priority. As such, it is the decision of the Administration that Mr. Wolfe’s objective academic history must be prioritized above such subjective, arbitrary factors as his biological age – which only serve to discriminate against, and impede, achievement.”

Critics, led by Developmental Psychology Professor Diane Hellen, were quick to deny the alleged subjectivity of age.

“There are physiological bases for human development,” sighed Hellen. “These are FACTS. This is my life’s work! Does the administration even realize how awful it is trying to hold a Monday-morning lab for hungover underclassmen?”

Meanwhile, supporters are championing the decision as a victory for students, and a major step towards future recognition of AP and transfer student rights. Meanwhile, Wolfe is quickly establishing himself as a key activist.

“It feels good to finally get the recognition that I deserve,” said Wolfe while celebrating his win with a pint at the BU Pub. “I’ve been so sick of people telling me that my academic accomplishments in high school don’t determine who I am anymore.”

“I’m thrilled to show the next generation of BU students that it gets better,” he continued. “If you invest the time and study hard in high school, you’ll be able to drink away the stress of college even sooner.”

At press time, Wolfe was seen at an AA meeting.

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