by Sam Vatalaro
Well, this is it. Despite all the odds and my best attempts otherwise, I will have graduated from Boston University by the time you’re likely reading this. Please, no tears; this is as hard for me as it is for you.
Not because I want to stay here, though. I’m just eyeing the impending abyss known as “post-grad” with a deep sense of foreboding, and a serious contemplation on getting into the foot picture market. But I know that you, dear reader, are likely thinking of my long and illustrious career here at The Bunion. I’ve spent the past four years of my life writing (and managing) this proud and noble BU institution, and I’m sure that you’re bemoaning the loss of my cunning wit.
You shouldn’t. If anything, you should be cheering my exit. I may have been writing for the past four years, but I guarantee the quality of my output has dropped considerably. You can ponder for yourself why that might be- the alcohol? The legal Massachusetts marijuana? The questionable sleep habits? The global pandemic that sucked the joy out of everything and everyone? Who’s to say? But I’ll tell you my theory: I think school made me less funny. That’s right; while I may have actually learned something since 2018, it has had catastrophic effects on my comedic technique. I think this is also why the Harvard kids are such bummers at parties. Yeah, you might be saving the free world in fifteen years, but right now, I’m crushing my tight five, like six drinks deep, in a room full of strangers without even breaking a sweat.
Yes, I’m nearly certain I got less funny with more education. But then again, I got a film degree, so maybe it really was the drugs.
For scientific and Bunion posterity, here is a collection of pitched headlines from my career. Thank you, as always, for your attention.
HOJO Announces Sentience
The GSU Pinkberry: An Forensic Report
Philosophy 101 Discussion Bans ‘Joker’ References
The Only Blue I Back is South Campus Domino’s
Burnt Out? Try Crack
BU to Offer Summer Job of Fighting Warren Silverfish
Summer Session to be Taught Exclusively by Lobsters
Darties Held at the West Campus Target
No, Mom, I’m Not Being Paid for the Internship
Rhett the Dog to Rhett Bench: ‘You Want What I Have’
New Vaccine Requirements: Name 5 Pre-meds To Receive Shot
Holy Hell: Pigeon Crossing the Street Shows More Chutzpah in Thirty Seconds Than Most Do in a Lifetime
COM Student Submits Final Project Shot Entirely on Nintendo 3DS
Incredible: Succulent Forgotten in Dorm Over Break Still Fighting for Life
‘Chicken Is Supposed to Be That Color,” BU Dining Announces
Guy Wears Brady Jersey in Hopes It Will Allow Him to Kiss Literally Anyone on the Mouth, Too
Incredible: This Guy Just Shot His Shot Over the BU StarRez Housing Portal Messaging System
Goddammit: Student Finds Self Inadvertently Attached to Extracurricular Club in Cringe Way