EAST CAMPUS—Sources have confirmed that after four years seeking no real academic enrichment, Parker Brockton (SMG ’14) will be offered a high-paying job at Goldman Sachs with healthcare and a company car because his parents are neighbors with a Goldman executive on Martha’s Vineyard during the summer months.

“I’m super humbled and stoked about this business opportunity,” Brockton said from his Newbury Street apartment. “It’s just nice to know this job market is rebounding in such a positive way, especially with all of the work I put in.”

Brockton, known by friends as “Hard Brock Café,” said his four years of study have prepared him well for the real world, and his time at BU has taught him good management skills and that Natural Light beer sucks. “I only drink Miller High Life. What do you think I am, bro, a pussy?”

“I’ll tell you man, management is really my passion,” Brockton said. ”This one time I got three grand from my parents for a good report card. I blew it all on coke and this sick speaker system for my BMW. That’s just an example of my investment strategies and entrepreneurship and microeconomics and shit.”

Arthur Slezinger, a professor of International Management, said Brockton definitely distinguished himself in class.

“He came into lecture one time reeking of alcohol with glassy eyes” Slezinger said. “I told him we had a midterm and handed it to him. He then proceeded to puke on the midterm.”

“I puked on the midterm and I said, ‘that’s what I think of your midterm,” Brockton said, with a laugh. “After that I left class and decided that since it was only Tuesday and things were already so stressful I needed to just relax. Then I went to the Vineyard for the weekend to clear my mind.”

At press time, Brockton was wasted.

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