QUESTROM SCHOOL OF BUSINESS—Today the former School of Management revealed that, after a generous bribe, they will now be known as the School of Corporate Sellouts, or ‘Greedy Bastards’ for short.
“We really think this name better demonstrates the ideals of our school,” said Dean Kenneth Freeman. “Those with the most money get whatever they want.”
With the money comes added perks for Greedy Bastard students, including a seminar on turning your family into profits, tickets to Bailout: The Musical, and $300 straight cash in exchange for their souls.
“It is my honor to provide my name to the school that gave me my start,” said Arthur Corporate Sellout (SMG ’67) standing in the officially named JC Penny Lobby Bathroom. “Without its training, I would never have gained the business wherewithal to give millions to the school already flush with too much money.”
Some current students are confused over the school’s name change, which comes following similar circumstances last semester.
“My Snapchat geotag still says ‘SMG,’” said Katelyn Soon-To-Be-Corporate-Sellout (QSB ‘16). “Is this what an identity crisis feels like?”
“Wait a minute, it just changed to a…to a Scrooge McDuck silhouette?” she continued. “And how did I just get a $300 deposit in my bank account? Why does the Scrooge McDuck silhouette have red eyes?”
At press time, a business student trying to think outside the box was advised by his professor to just try buying the box.