BOSTON—Reports have confirmed that six months after the tragic events at the Boston Marathon, the city of Boston’s sports teams are dominating all of their opponents, next year’s marathon is shaping up to be the best in years, general citizen happiness has spiked, and residents are in the best shape of their lives, making American citizens around the country wonder if Boston has possibly become too strong.
“The Red Sox just destroyed game one of the World Series, more than $60 million has been raised for marathon survivors, and the number of gym memberships in the city has tripled in the last few months,” said John Hendrickson, a local tour guide. “Boston is incredibly strong right now, in every sense of the word. It’s almost a bit scary.”
The past six months in Boston have been marked by a number of events exemplifying the city’s strength and persistence, said Brody Calkins, an assistant to Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino.
“This year, the fourth of July fireworks on the Charles were eye-popping, the weather has been beautiful this fall, and let’s not forget that every third person I see on the street looks capable of bench-pressing a small motor car or Vespa scooter,” Calkins said. “Boston needs to slow down a little. We’ve been gaining so much strength so quickly, we don’t want to wear ourselves out or scare other cities with our awesome power.”
“I’m happy Boston has come back stronger than ever after the bombings,” says St. Louis Mayor Francis Flay. “But the city’s spirit over the past few months has become so rock-solid that it’s a little intimidating. How am I supposed to feel proud of our city and its stupid arch when Boston is so awesome all the time?”
“The Cardinals are probably going to lose to the Sox in the World Series too, so that won’t help either,” Flay continued. “Wait, can that be off the record? I don’t think I should say that.”
At press time, terrorists were cursing out Boston residents after thinking they could weaken their spirit.