STUDENT HEALTH SERVICES—Sources confirm that Boston University’s Student Health Center offers fairly pathetic care in basic categories like sexual and mental health, and that if Ebola ever comes to BU, students don’t stand a chance.

“I don’t know the difference between a stethoscope and a syringe and I commonly misdiagnose the common cold,” said Judy Splatt, the director of SHS. “If Ebola ever comes to Comm Ave. I would seek care at a better facility, like Mass. General or the Boston Health Apartment.”

Ebola virus disease, formerly known as Ebola haemorrhagic fever, has recently spread into the United States. In past outbreaks, fatality rates have varied from 25 to 90 percent, according to the World Health Organization.

Many hospitals across the country are stocking up on ZMapp, the most promising experimental drug for treating Ebola. Dan Aide, the pharmacist at SHS, said the university had not obtained any doses of ZMapp.

“We don’t currently have the drugs necessary to fight Ebola,” Aide said. “But we do have a jar full of subpar condoms, do you want one?”

While student satisfaction with SHS is hard to effectively gauge, many students said care is shoddy. Of the 30 students interviewed for this article, 25 said they had been given dog medicines for their ailments. The other five were given cat medicines.

At press time, a male student was receiving a mammogram on his knee.

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