STUDENT HEALTH SERVICES—As part of Boston University’s immunization clinics beginning later this week, Student Health Services has introduced a policy that will scale their needle sizes to the patient’s current level of student debt, sources report.

According to Jonathan Taves, an SHS coordinator, the new policy currently has “no limit” to needle size.

“Our new immunization policy holds the double advantages of making sure our students will be safe and healthy, but also provoking their deepest fears of sharp points and medical malpractice,” Taves said. “Studies show that when we combine the latter with a direct representation of their financial commitment to higher education, students tend to respond with higher grades.”

“I mean, of course they do,” Taves continued, his voice descending into a low cackle. “When you see these needles, you’ll know the true meaning of terror — but also, a proper appreciation of financial stability.”

Speaking from a dripping wet and ominously gloomy waiting area in the SHS lobby, other students also seemed apprehensive of other requirements for standard immunization shots.

“They told us that if you do it on BU’s insurance, you have to sign the waiver ‘in the blood of your veins,’ and with FAFSA documentation,” said Gina Tsung (CAS ’16). “At least, I think that’s what they said. It’s hard to fill out your Social Security number on a scroll with a raven sitting right there, waiting to take it to their receptionist.”

But Taves believes that SHS’ new policy shouldn’t alarm students, amid accusations that the presence of large red-stained buckets, as well as a lack of any mirrors, large pieces of wood or Christian crosses signals more sinister purposes.

“Our goal is to make sure students enter the year with the purest blood possible, cleansed entirely of disease,” he said, visibly licking his chops and unhinging his jaw.

At press time, the first group of students to receive immunization shots were being led down by SHS officials into the bowels of Agganis Arena, where no man has ever returned alive.

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