MUGAR—Thanks to Student Health Services, pit bulls will now be made available at Mugar Library for anyone feeling the stress of exams and papers during finals week.

Dog handler and SWAT team member Greg Johnson was pleased to hear that BU was interested in renting out the dogs for the day.

“I needed the extra time to get these deep gashes stitched up,” he said while holding a tourniquet to his forearm.

“There’s just something special about pit bulls,” said Mugar librarian Donald Altschiller while adjusting some particularly thick gardening gloves. “The dogs really like to get close to the students.”

“I think it wants to eat me,” whispered Mary Abrahms (CAS ‘14), one of the first students to experience the finals week upgrade.” No, seriously – do you hear that noise it’s making?“

Library Access Services Assistant Ariel Barnes reportedly loves the sound that pit bulls make.

“It’s kind of like a purr,” she explained, “but two decibels deeper. And there’s a little bit of a wet snarl in there. It’s adorable.”

Sources confirmed that students are especially happy with the dogs’ ability to shred unwelcome memories of the school year into unrecognizable confetti.

“A golden retriever puppy simply can’t rip your Algebra 2 textbook in half with its bare teeth,“ continued Barnes. “But our pit bulls can decimate old assignments in a matter of seconds.”

“Plus, BU Sustainability is ecstatic about the compost,” Altschiller chimed in with a wink.

Jerry Stevens (SMG ’16), the second student in line for therapy dogs, added, “Wait? It ate my thesis? I wrote that on a typewriter! I seriously don’t have a -”

At press time, the end of the year crowding issue at Mugar has been cleared up.

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