Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)

STUDENT HEALTH SERVICES — In light of recent criticisms, SHS has reportedly been in the process of making their mental health services more accessible to ALL members of the BU community. This morning they announced that they have been in a trial period of extending their services to all BU buildings. 

Warren Towers residents have been complaining incessantly about the malfunctioning Warren Towers Elevators. 

“It’s annoying to have to wait at least 3 minutes for an elevator in the morning. It puts a real strain on my morning commute to class,” said Jason Singer (COM ‘23). 

Brianna Pares (CGS ‘21) told The Bunion, “The elevators close right when you think they are about to open up, and always break down when there is a line. It’s like they have social anxiety or something.”

The Bunion asked SHS about their first success in this pilot program: the Warren Towers Elevators’ social anxiety diagnosis.

 “It’s taken us a while to get through this diagnosis, but we think we’ve gotten to the root of the problem,” said an SHS spokesperson.  “The Elevators are extremely self-conscious, so we think the best solution to this problem will be to add therapy dogs to all nine elevators.” 

On behalf of The Elevators, Elevator C-1 told us, “It’s really rough since our closest friends, the escalators, are seperated from us by the security guards. We feel the therapy dogs will be a great addition.”

SHS is reportedly working with STUVI 2 on its superiority complex.

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