SHS—In hopes of curing terriers’ seasonal depression, SHS has decided to implement new technology around campus: the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) lamp, a bright light that reduces seasonal depression.

Much to the dismay of dozens of depressed terriers, SAD lamps are not to replace the rectangular lamp that is a standard fixture of the BU dorm. Instead, SHS chose to take advantage of the campus’s blue light system, a safety measure in place to prevent emergencies such as sexual assault.

BU has strategically placed a blue light in the middle of the well-lit COM lawn. BU’s two blue lights are also placed about a mile apart from each other, because SHS encourages physical well-being as much as it does mental well-being.

The SAD lamps, designed to mimic artificial sunlight, may effectively ward off sexual predators as much as they do seasonal depression.

“As soon as I saw the light, I realized the reason I was preying on young college women because I, myself, wasn’t happy,” said one convicted sex offender who asked to remain anonymous.

“Walking across campus in between classes to squeeze in some quality SAD time is definitely worth it for me,” said Claire Lonnoway (CAS ‘21), who has been waiting for an SHS-funded therapist appointment since Spring semester.

In fact, SHS employees were seen handing out prizes to students who cancelled their counseling appointments.

“I don’t even need a therapist anymore. Because of SAD, I never feel sad,” Lonnoway told The Bunion from inside SHS. “Can I have my gift card now?”

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