By: Madison Lauricella

ADMISSIONS CENTER – With acceptance season looming, BU has been experiencing an influx of feral high schoolers and their god forsaken parents on campus. In an effort to expose the real campus experience, students have started a petition to make tours more accurate.

Seeing 10-15 groups pass by each day, students report that they could no longer bear to listen to the blatant lies.

“If I have to listen to them say that the cars on Storrow drive sound like waves one more time,” said  K. West Rom (QST ’23). “It’s not even a real beach! Just a patch of grass. If they want to show the truth, they need to show them the rats!”

Rom was not alone on his mission to reveal the rodents who rule Comm Ave after-hours. Within 3 days, he managed to collect over 420 signatures on his petition to make the campus tours more accurate. 

Despite the growing opinion, the administration has yet to acknowledge their demands. “It’s not even just about the rats who actually control this school,” reports Sara Gent (SAR ‘22). “But when I hear a tour guide promise that Bay State Underground is actually a funky-fresh strip club, the little goblin inside me releases a guttural growl.” When further asked about the goblin or the qualifications of a strip club, Gent refused to comment. 

While Gent is primarily concerned with  the plethora of lies, Rom and his partner, Nada Rhode-Ent (QST ‘24), aim to shed light on the rats alone. In a form of protest, Rom and Rhode-Ent shared their plans to rent rat costumes and storm the office of the president. “We need to act!” exclaimed Rom. “No longer can Rhett reign supreme; my sewer comrades are reclaiming their land!”

In hopes of receiving  a comment from the BU administration, The Bunion’s top investigative reporters visited the office of President Brown. They  were not granted access, but claim to have heard squeaking and scurrying from within. 

At press time, we have received an email stating that Brown is DEFINITELY human — and that it was rude to not bring cheese.

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