MYLES—Reports have confirmed that this weekend, Reginald Meddlemen (SHA ’14) woke up extra early after a random hookup with Sarah Seymour (CAS ’15), placed a breath mint on her bed, and made her a continental breakfast complete with freshly squeezed OJ and a waffle station.

“As they always say in SHA classes, if the guest isn’t comfortable, then you shouldn’t be comfortable,” Meddlemen, a newly licensed sommelier, said. “It’s so savage to spend a night with a girl and then not offer her fresh berries, locally sourced eggs, and napkins folded to look like doves.”

Besides making food, Meddlemen played the sweet, calming tunes of Norah Jones on the kitchen’s CD player, and left Seymour a complimentary copy of USA Today in front of her bedroom door.

Sources also confirmed Meddlemen replaced Seymour’s toiletries with fresh, exfoliating soaps and conditioners.

“I know the toiletries don’t really have to do anything with the breakfast I made, but it really kills me to see a bathroom understocked with the needed hair and body products,” Meddlemen said.

Seymour, who woke up at 10:30 a.m. to find the feast waiting for her, said she was shocked to see the spread.

“The food was endless, and so seasonal and well-made,” Seymour said. “It didn’t even matter he wasn’t that great in the sack, because those omelets were delicious.”

At press time, students hooking up with non-SHA individuals were being kicked out of the house in the wee hours of the morning due to a made-up appointment.

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