Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21).
Samantha Dilsheimer (COM '22)

Sam is a junior from Philadelphia studying Film and TV. She likes Diet Coke for the taste

Wow, a year of quarantine… a year of missed opportunities to hookup with strangers. And for single gals, it’s been rough. Once you’ve exhausted your dating app roster, where are you supposed to look next for sexy singles? The candy aisle? Why not!

  1. Red

I don’t know what it is about Red but he… is terrifying. He’s so irrationally angry. He’s reminiscent of Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally but if Harry was on steroids and had a drinking problem. It’s obvious why he’s last on our list. 

  1. Orange

Orange is too nervous to be sexy. Since we’re gonna stick to late 80’s/early 90’s pop culture references here, he’s a personified Ross from Friends. And we all know, Friends is complete shit. And Ross is the worst. Still, nervous is slightly better than angry. 

  1. Ms. Brown

Ms. Brown is intimidating. She’s reminiscent of like, a hot school principal that’s also really scary. The closest comparison is Vice Principal Gupta from The Princess Diaries. She’s got brains and beauty, and therefore we hate her.

  1. Yellow

God, this is the guy you want as a husband. He’s so sweet and the peanut inside of him is a fun quirk. What a sexy, simple boy. He’s kind of like Andy from Parks and Rec (ok technically an 00’s reference but cut us some slack) minus all of the problematic Chris Pratt rhetoric. God, we love him.

  1. Green

There is no denying the sex appeal of the Green M&M. She’s just so sexy we can’t even deal. She’s like… Megan Fox in every film ever. Megan Fox never misses on sexy. Now THAT’S the male gaze, honey.

  1. Blue 

This is a controversial pick but BLUE IS PAUL RUDD IN CLUELESS OKAY? Suave, yet approachable. He’s the step-brother you never knew you were attracted to but has been there all along! Is that weird and a little creepy? Sure! But so is judging anthropomorphic chocolate candies.

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