CHARLES RIVER—After stepping on the Marsh Plaza seal the day before graduating, CAS senior Agnes A. Rena reportedly failed to graduate. Her diploma was found floating face down in the Charles River. Witnesses reported that Rena, who had a 3.98 GPA and a job offer at Facebook, stood on the seal while shouting “Nothing can stop me now!” However, this proved to be incorrect, as the next day, when Rena walked across the stage at graduation, she was not given a diploma.

“I didn’t know where it was,” said BU faculty member Dee Ploma, whose job was to organize the diplomas for graduation, a task she said she was always destined to perform. “Missing diplomas hardly ever happen.” BUPD organized a massive manhunt in order to find Rena’s missing diploma, happy to have a missing person(’s diploma) case that didn’t turn out to be an ENG student who was simply very antisocial.

After dragging the Charles River, BUPD found Rena’s drowned diploma. A wake was held both for Rena’s diploma and for her future. “I’m devastated,” said Rena. “I thought I knew everything, but it was naive of me to doubt the power of the seal.”

At press time, after reflecting on how far she had fallen, Rena decided she had to hit rock bottom before she could start rebuilding her life, so she started her application to Boston College.

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