BU STUDENT HEALTH SERVICES—Following a massive outbreak of scarlet fever, Bunion reporters investigated whether BU students understood the difference between scarlet fever and school spirit.
“Hell ya I know about scarlet fever! It means I’m proud of my school,” yelled Tory Mitchell (SAR ‘18) as she applied make-up to cover the massive red rash on her face.
Bunion reporters decided to get more specific and ask students about their symptoms.
“Why have I been puking for three days straight? It’s because my body is already feeling all the champagne we’re going to drink after we win the Beanpot.” Said Sage Herron (CGS ‘19) from the bathroom.
“Difficulty swallowing because of a sore throat? You might want to ask Northeastern about that because they’ve been choking in big games for years.” Said Mike Collins (COM ‘16) as a random friend in the background yelled, “Got em.”
Our own reporter Rod Butcher talked to a couple about their ailments.
“I cannot make this any clearer. Your sore throat has nothing to do with school spirit”
“Dammit Greg” shouted Rachael Platt (SED ‘17) as she slapped her boyfriend. “I thought you were tested.”
With the situation spiraling out of control, President Brown addressed a large crowd of students at Agganis Arena.
“You don’t have a huge rash because the hockey team is playing well. You all have to get vaccinated. This is a tremendous health risk.”
At press time the only group at risk will be Fairfield tennis when our team kicks their ass with our superior school spirit. And the serious contagious disease we all now share.