SARGENT COLLEGE—On Monday, a Sargent student left class early to stand outside in the freezing cold to eat his snack: a tupperware container filled with nuts. As people passed by, the student preached to others on the street about his healthy eating initiative.

“You’re all gonna get diabetes!” Grant Chambers (SAR ‘21) shouted at a group of COM students.

He slapped a to-go container of Panda Express out of a scared freshman’s hands. “That stuff will kill you,” he hissed, staring into her soul.

A group of curious squirrels circled around Chambers, eyeing his delicious, bland snack.

“Nuts are the best!” Chambers sang as he held hands with the forest animals.

A group began to form as Chambers jumped onto a stoop and grabbed a microphone. Unfortunately, many of the people were unable to understand Chambers as he continued to shove nuts into his mouth until they overflowed onto the ground.

“He stood there like an idiot with a mouthful of nuts in freezing temperatures,” said witness Jared Nee (COM ‘20).

At press time, The Bunion received news that all dining halls will be offering Chambers’s snack as a Sargent Choice option.

Leave a Reply