Photoshopped by Lauren Kelmar (COM '21).

It’s the holiday season and at this point you’re thoroughly convinced that the only way to get out of being exiled to the kid’s table is to have some of your own— which isn’t happening.

To remedy this situation, I’ve compiled a list of 6 great conversation starters that are sure to stir the CrockPot (and promote you to the adult table table once and for all).

  1. “Santa’s Not Real”— While this bold statement might turn some heads over at the adult’s table, rest assured it will get your younger cousins talking too. This one simple line opens the door for so many other excellent discussion points, such as how American families utilize the concept of Santa as a disciplinary fear tactic, a parallel to how the United States emphasizes capital punishment over rehabilitation in the justice system. 

 

  1. “Your Mom and Dad Are Getting Divorced”— I don’t even think mom and dad know they’re getting divorced yet, but hey, we all see it coming and it’d be rude to keep the kids in the dark on this. 

 

  1. “Do You Know Who’s Getting You in the Custody Battle?”— Some might call this a bit invasive, but it’s important to get the kids thinking about the implications of divorce and how it affects every member of the family. It’s also a valuable lesson on bodily autonomy and how being treated like a piece of property is never OK; it’s a red flag for abuse. 

 

  1. “I Think Uncle Frank is Having An Affair”— Is it really a conversation starter if it’s common knowledge? 

 

  1. “Your Mom Moves the Elf on the Shelf Every Night”— If mom and dad really are getting divorced, then it’s time to grow up. The elf does not get up and walk around every night, it’s your mom making an excuse to leave the bed because dad has become insufferable. 

 

  1. “Aunt Cheryl Got Lip Fillers, But You Didn’t Hear It From Me”— Aunt Cheryl’s lips have looked like a grocery bag full of cranberry sauce since her husband went to prison, so this line is really just a gateway to asking the kids what they think she should get done next. My vote is for Liposuction. 

I hope these excellent pointers get you the upgrade you’ve always dreamed of! Stay tuned for next week’s article, “I’m a Democratic Socialist” and 5 Other Conversation Starters to Get You Sent Back to the Kid’s Table.

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