AMES, IOWA—Sources report that incoming Boston University freshman Robert T. Brown (CAS ‘22) was seen this morning frantically preparing a speech after being asked to speak at Matriculation. In July, Brown, who goes by Robby, received an email asking him to address the class of 2022 and their families in a “ten minute speech that feels like thirty,” and while some believe that the email was mistakenly sent to Robby, rather than BU’s President Robert A. Brown, everyone agrees that the teenaged Robert Brown must obey the email and speak at Matriculation.

“It’s an honor,” said Robby, when asked by The Bunion how he feels about the opportunity to address his entire class despite being a freshman who is, according to his height and SAT scores, stunningly average. “I thought that if I wanted to be a big deal at a school like BU, I’d need to be someone special and unusual, like a varsity athlete, or an ENG guy with a girlfriend. But it turns out that all I had to do was have the same name as the president.”

Robby has reportedly not written much of the speech itself, instead working on finding the correct glasses and mustache to wear to the ceremony. Robby reached out to older BU students on Facebook to ask about the contents of past Matriculation speeches, but quickly learned that no one had any memory of the event beyond the hair color of the cute SHA kid sitting next to them at the ceremony. Robby has since concluded that he will use the time to promote his personal SoundCloud account, as well as read the entirety of his favorite Dr. Seuss book, The Lorax.

At press time, The Bunion learned that Dean L. Moore (CFA ‘22) had just received an email.

Leave a Reply