GSU — On Thursday it was announced that Rhett’s West will be closing, fulfilling a 1,000-year-old prophecy declaring Rhett’s East as the chosen hero destined to save us all. Upon the announcement, hundreds of students gathered in the GSU to begin the ancient rituals, cleansing themselves in preparation for the dark ages ahead.

Kayla Tomlinson (QST ’21) was present for the event and recounted her experience.

“This really is the most exciting time to be a BU student. Pledging my soul to the one true protector along with all of my brothers and sisters will be a great addition to my internship resume.”

BUPD has created a fortified perimeter around the GSU in an attempt to stop the incoming hordes of students from other surrounding Boston colleges from seeking sanctuary at BU.

President Brown was last seen shirtless, throwing protection elixir, holy water cut with acid, into groups of BC students while shouting, “HA HA HA, WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW!?”

Students are now offering sacrifices to the burning remains of Rhett’s West, including Northeastern sweatshirts, food from an MIT dining hall, and tied up Harvard students screaming for mercy.

At the time of this article both Rhett and the Dark Lord Cthulhu were unavailable for comment.

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