By: Laura Braudis

In the age of social media, it is not uncommon to catch people pathetically attempting to slide into anyone and everyone’s DMs. Turns out, BU’s beloved Rhett is no exception. 

Rhett, who is “single and ready to mingle” according to his therapist, claims that “Dating has been so ruff. I just got out of a long-term relationship.”

Sources tell The Bunion that said “long-term relationship” was nothing more than a messy situationship with John Harvard the Pilgrim that ended as soon as BU beat Harvard in the Beanpot. 

After a series of failed first dates with other notable figures such as Baldwin the eagle (“Too pretentious”) and Rowdy the river hawk (“Wait, who’s that again?”), a romantically frustrated  Rhett lapped up three vodka toilet bowls, shifted his loneliness towards his idols, and began to slide into a myriad of celebrities’ DMs.

Despite starting each Instagram DM with, “You probably won’t see this, but…”, Rhett unfortunately has not received any messages back from Wally the Green Monster or Blades the Bruin, his two favorite local celebs. 

But it was his TikTok DMs to viral sensation Duo (the DuoLingo Owl) that caused a stir. Starstruck Rhett has repeatedly been sending the big bird flirty messages for weeks, consisting of lines such as, “You’re a real hoot,” “You can Duo me anyday,” “My paws are big, you know what that means😏,” and “Green would be my favorite color if I weren’t color blind.” 

Within the past few days, Rhett’s messages to Duo have become increasingly more desperate. The phrases “plz notice me” and “life’s not fair” were sent a total of 49 times each with an attached voice memo of anguished howling to the tune of “Everybody Hurts” by REM. 

When asked about his TikTok activity, Rhett tucked his tail between his legs in embarrassment and said, “I’m not ashamed of any messages I may or may not have sent.”

It seems that Rhett is barking up the wrong tree, as Duo’s team has declined to comment.

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