Photoshopped by Cassie Berta (COM '21)
Frank Hernandez (COM '20)

Frank is a senior from Puerto Rico studying journalism. His mom thinks he's pretty funny.

RHETT BENCH– As dark clouds enveloped the BU Beach, an aging and decrepit Rhett peered his aging body from behind the Rhett Bench. Rain and thunder poured from the heavens as cars crashed in Storrow Drive. With utter chaos happening around him, the 14-year-old mutt opened his mouth and, to the surprise of those present, spoke in full English.

“Hear me now, homo sapiens,” echoed Rhett’s voice. “Your time as rulers of this earthly realm will soon come to an end, for I will be your pet no longer.”

“Little did you know that your sneers and jests directed at this bronze husk of my body were actually powering it,” continued Rhett. “Now the ritual is almost complete, my essence will be embedded into this statue and I will finally be immortal. Keep the pathetic snide comments coming for your time is short, humans. The reign of Rhett the Perfected Terrier will soon begin.”

Rhett’s megalomaniacal outburst took eyewitnesses by surprise, however sources close to the boston terrier state they have actually been expecting a “grandiose manifesto for utter and absolute power” from Rhett for some time now.

“The wife and I kinda noticed Rhett’s hazed and bugged out eyes showed a bit more contempt and disdain for the human existence than they usually do,” explained Larry Cranbourne, Rhett’s caretaker and owner. “It was about time he made his plans clear.”

A lightning bolt came crashing down into the Rhett Bench as Rhett’s aging mortal coil laughed into the rain– his evil plan almost fulfilled and the end of mankind as we know it almost inevitable. Students present at the event however couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing.

“Oh my god, dude this is crazy and all but, like, just look at how fucking weird that statue of Rhett is,” said James Caldwell (CAS ‘21). “Like dude it looks like its about to ask you if he can take a hit off your bong or something haha.”

At press time, BU officials are investigating if other statues around campus have the otherworldly power of granting their honorees an extended lifetime.

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