It’s 2022– Amy Schumer is hosting the Oscars, the world is on fire, and straight women at BU are finally going on strike. In a recent but not-so-shocking turn of events, straight women at BU have decided to form a union in order to show men that they mean business. Their slogan is fuck it won’t cut it: You seriously need to start washing your dick.
Gloria Clinton and Hillary Steinem, who are responsible for spearheading the campaign, said they had the idea to organize a strike after Gloria’s boyfriend of three years gaslit her into thinking it was normal that he refuses to give her head.
“It wasn’t only that,” Gloria said, “there were other warning signs there– he uses three in one shampoo, he identifies as politically ‘moderate’, and his favorite movie is American Psycho. I just can’t believe I didn’t see it earlier.”
However, not all straight women at BU support the new strike. Mackeighley Mackeighleyson, President of Questrom Student Government and self-described “one of the guys” offers her take on the situation: “I don’t get why all of these girls are so upset. It’s really hard to be a guy in today’s society, and I honestly think that they have it worse than we do. If we can just rally our support behind the boys instead of bringing them down like this, I think that would make society a better place for everyone.”
One of the strike’s most ardent supporters has been Boston University mascot Rhett the Terrier. According to Rhett, the standard for men has been declining at a steady rate since literally the beginning of time.
Rhett said in a public statement: “Woodrow Wilson was praised for saying that maybe sometimes women deserve rights (but just as a special treat), Justin Trudeau was praised for looking like he knows where the clit is, and now the guy in your COM 101 lecture is praised for knowing about Greta Gerwig? Not on my watch. The cycle ends here.”